The Internet Makes You Stupid, but I Am Protected

4.30.05 This is the End

I sat in my car outside Lowtax’s, watching his white double door flanked by yellow siding, trying to keep my eyes from closing. After four hours of waiting, I really needed to pee. There was a QuikTrip at the corner, but I was afraid I’d miss Lowtax. Luckily, I couldn’t feel hungry while I needed to pee. It was lunchtime, and a few people walked by devouring fast food. Needing to pee helped me stay awake, but I worried that in my diminished capacity, I might have an accident. I dug around in the backseat and found a mostly empty Mountain Dew bottle, so I put my Chinese dragon sunblocker in the windshield then carefully rolled t-shirts into the windows, so I could still see Lowtax’s front door out of a crack in the driver’s side. I unzipped, got the bottle ready, and let go. It was the best feeling in the world for about 3 seconds until I realized the bottle was fast reaching capacity and my stream was not diminishing. I didn’t have much time to decide anything, so I got on my knees and leaned over to the passenger side floor mat.

I hadn’t slept in over twenty four hours. My coordination was off. The bottle slipped, and I ended up with piss all over the gear shift and a little on the front of my pants, not to mention the floor on the passenger’s side. All the while, I was glancing over my shoulder at Lowtax’s door. I was about to look for napkins when I saw Lowtax.

I didn’t think: I just acted. I zipped up, wiped my hands on my shirt (I know, I know, but I hadn’t slept in over a day, I drove 13 hours, and this was my one shot at getting back in the forums), grabbed my foam hand, and jumped out of the car.

My shirt caught on the seatbelt clip, and I slammed myself in the door. I jerked my shirt free, tearing the corner, and ran across the street where Lowtax was strolling in the direction of the QuikTrip. I caught up and got in front of him. He’s a lot shorter than I thought, skinnier too. He backed up, like I was going to ask him for spare change.

Hunched over and panting, dizzy from taking off running after sitting still, full of caffeine, I whispered, “Lowtax, I’m Duke Chocula.” He started to walk around me. I stood up straight. “Wait, Lowtax, really, I’m Duke Chocula. I came all the way from Ohio to talk to you about my permaban. I love the forums. The goons are my people, my community, this is my life.” I waved my foam hand for emphasis, “Please reconsider. I’m begging you, as one goon to another.”

We stared at each other, me with pleading in my eyes, and Lowtax, I don’t know what he was thinking. He looked me up and down a few times. “Why do you smell like piss?”

We looked down at the same time. My Dockers had quarter-sized dark spots on them, worse than I thought. My shirt had wet handprints on the sides. I shoved my hand in my pocket to feel Ashley’s quiz for moral support, but instead found a soaked and disintegrating mess. I panicked. “Lowtax, look, just hear me out.”

He glared at me. “No, you look. I don’t know who you are or how it is you know where I live, and I don’t want to know. You’re creeping me out. Now get back in your car or tricycle or wheelbarrow or what-the-fuck-ever, and take your ass the hell away from me. If I ever see you near me or my family again, I’m calling the cops.” He walked away.

I’m man enough to admit I started crying.

I stood on that sidewalk, pimped out in my SA gear, covered in piss, and I cried. When a hot chick with a mohawk asked if I needed help, I ignored her. I limped back to my car, climbed in the backseat, and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up to the sound of rain and the smell of dried piss, not immediately remembering where I was. My SA is #1 foam hand was in pieces, which really sucks, since I have no way to get another one. I climbed into the front seat from the back and pulled the t-shirts out of the windows, getting splashed with rain in the process. I drove straight out of Missouri, not stopping until I hit Illinois, which is where I am now, at a McDonald’s with wifi (who knew?). I’m in a corner, trying not to notice the people staring at me, eating a #3, and telling you, blog, my e/n story.

Posted by Duke Chocula at 10:36pm

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4.30.05 Wish Me Luck

I drove all night, but I’m finally here, at a Borders with wifi, having a double espresso before I head over to Lowtax’s house with the gear I was saving for GoonCon. I washed up as best I could in the bathroom and changed into my natural color SA shirt with the logo on the front and “The Internet Makes You Stupid” on the back, and I put on my SA ballcap, which is good cuz it hides the greasy state of my hair. My English 101 pin is in the bill for an added touch. I also have my SA is #1 foam hand. I want him to see how dedicated I am to the community. He’s gotta let me back now. All the Red Bull and coffee and espresso are making me a little twitchy, but I gotta talk to Lowtax.

Posted by Duke Chocula at 9:11 am

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4.29.05 Do You Have Stairs In Your House?

I am no longer protected. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. Look at this fucking shit I got this morning!

“Duke Chocula,

Fuck you, rapist. Don’t ever come back.

Lowtax”

HE PERMABANNED ME.

 

Posted by Duke Chocula at 8:26 am.

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4.28.05 Deaf Ears

I can’t believe this is happening. I went into IRC to plead my case with my fellow goons, but this is the reception I got:

<DukeChocula> Hey Guys, I need your help.

<goatse4lyfe> Hey look, it’s the rapist.

<happycat> Hay Guys, Raping Women is COOL. AMIRITE?

<DukeChocula> I didn’t write that post! That’s what I want to talk about.

<PhinPhin> Huh? What’s going on?

<happycat> http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=204806832#post204806832

<BlasterCop> DukeChocula: You’re a fag, get out.

<DukeChocula> I’m telling you guys, I didn’t write that post. I was in the library on campus and this girl I like emailed me and I went to meet her and she didn’t show and I came back and was banned.

<PhinPhin> dude, you’re fucking sick

<freebird> He could be telling the truth. I know a goon who watches public computers and when he sees someone logged into SA who leaves, he’ll post ban-mes.

*** happycat changed the topic to: DukeChocula LOVES RAPING WOMEN

<DukeChocula> freebird: ty, I think something like that happened to me. If people would pm Lowtax saying they know I wouldn’t do that, I could clear all this up.

*** fuckyourmom [isotope@69A884.8B4117D0.A14AC03E.IP] has quit [Ping timeout]

*** xanadu [xanadu@2E2721E.8X34467D0.J28DC03E.IP] has joined #sa

<captainunderpants> Who the fuck is DukeChocula? I’ve never seen you before.

<goatse4lyfe> Some rapist fag.

<AlexTrebeck> We should totally kick his ass.

* munster slaps DukeChocula in his bitch head.

<JuvenileWhiskey> I’m down, where is the little rapist?

<AlexTrebeck> Bowling Green, Ohio

<JuvenileWhiskey> That’s only a few hours from me. Who else is in?

<threedollerbill> i’m in

<DukeChocula> Seriously guys, I don’t know what happened. I would never write that.

<CuriousBill> me too

<happycat> Seriously shut the fuck up and get out of here.

*happycat kicks DukeChocula

 

WTF? No one but freebird stood up for me at all.

DarthChrist emailed me and said he didn’t want to say anything in IRC, but I should just register a new account with a different email addy and credit card and handle and avatar and not let anyone know it’s me. But that’s a whole new problem. No one could ever know it was me, so I’d lose all my old friends. Then I’ll just be another stupid newbie and no one will care what I say. I’ll have to spend months trying to meet people again. I mean, I can’t imagine trying to make friends with old friends as somebody new.

No, I gotta talk to Lowtax and get my name cleared. I’ll take 3 months probation if I have to. So long as I can eventually return as Duke Chocula, the guy who isn’t a rapist, I’ll be happy.

I haven’t done any studying yet, and I missed the last Chem lab, which is really going to hurt my grade, but there was no way I could pay attention in lab with this shit going on. I’ve been reading the forums today, accountless, and it makes me feel hollow inside. Every time I want to post a reply or see the YOU HAVE NOT REGISTERED AN ACCOUNT YET banner, I just… it feels awful.

I accidentally tore Ashley’s quiz today while in IRC. I was stroking it, and before I realized what I was doing, I‘d torn a corner off. I taped it back together and it should hold ok.

 

Posted by Duke Chocula at 8:11 pm

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4.28.05 It Wasn’t Me!

I got an email back from Ozma. She said, “I’ve seen the misogynistic shit you write in GBS. Fuck you rapist, get out.”

I’ll admit I’ve made a few jokes that were probably in poor taste, but so have other goons. I never meant anything by them. Jesus.

I could just pay the tenbux to reinstate my account, but this is exactly the problem. I don’t want people thinking I’m a rapist. I want them to know I didn’t write that post. What will Ashley think? I’m going to email Lowtax.

“Dear Lowtax,

My name is Duke Chocula. I am a goon registered January 12, 2002. During my 3+ years on the forums, I have only gotten 6 hours of probation once, which I deserved for posting a single emoticon reply, which is explicitly against the rules (despite which, people seem to do it quite often). Today Ozma banned me for posting a rape fantasy, but I was away from the computer when this post was supposedly made by me, so please hear me out!

Here’s what happened: I was working on a research paper at the library when I got an email from this girl I like telling me to meet her in front of the union at 5 because she wanted to talk. Before today, I didn’t even know she knew my name. I’d run into her an hour before on my way to the library, and she asked me if I had stairs in my house. I was so nervous I ran off like a loser. So when I got the email, I was excited and nervous as hell.

It’s finals time, and I didn’t want to lose my computer, so I figured I’d just leave my shit sitting there and it’d be safe for ten to twenty minutes. Big fucking mistake. After twenty minutes waiting at the union, it was obvious she wasn’t going to show. I headed back inside, fuming, fully prepared to take a break and write an e/n thread about how much girls suck and how they play mind games etc, to purge the incident from my system. I got to my computer, and it looked like how I left it, until I pull up the GBS thread I started about finals sucking, only to see that it’d been gassed. I scrolled through and saw a new post from myself that says, “Here’s something I just found that helps me get a little release during finals” and a very vivid description on how to rape a girl. I was like, what the fuck? I looked around the library, but everyone was doing normal library stuff, and I have no idea who did this.

I would never write a post like that. Rape is disgusting and not funny at all. I don’t know who did this or why they did it, but it wasn’t me, Lowtax!

Can I please just get probation for account sharing even though I didn’t intentionally share my account? I love the forums, all my friends are here, and I don’t want people to think that I am some sort of slimy rapist.

I throw myself on your mercy,

Duke Chocula”

 

God, I hope he emails me back soon.

 

Posted by Duke Chocula at 6:52pm.

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4.28.05 I’ve Been Banned?!

Ozma banned me! Like hell I’d post this:

“Here’s something I just found that helps me get a little release during finals:

You know that girl you like who won’t give you the time of day and has some stupid ass jock boyfriend? Fuck her! Follow her home after class. Sneak into her dorm behind her, do this during the day so people won’t be as likely to notice your presence, then walk right into her room, unless she’s locked the door behind her. If she’s locked it, just knock, she’ll answer. Once in the room, mace her and have some balled up socks ready so no one hears her scream. Shove the socks in her mouth and duct tape them in place. She’ll be so shocked it will be easy to throw her on the bed for some good old-fashioned surprise sex. After you’re done, wipe your dick on her pillow and piss on her floor. She’ll be so embarrassed she won’t tell anyone, and you are now ready to get back to work on your finals.”

 

Posted by Duke Chocula at 5:43pm.

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4.28.05 Oh No!!!!!!!!!!

On my way to the library, I saw Ashley. She was standing less than ten feet away in front of Olscamp Hall drinking a soda. I stopped for a minute, trying to decide whether I should approach her, then she approached me! She walked up, took a long drink from her straw, then said,

“Peter, right? We’re in Chemlab together?”

“Um, yeah, hi.”

“Do you have stairs in your house?”

Normally I’d be excited to find out a girl is a goon, but my brain flipped to all the e/n threads I’d written about her. I couldn’t say anything. Then this dude walks up and puts his arm around her like he owns her. He’s all super smooth,

“Hey baby, who’s this guy?”

“This is Peter.”

“Oh, this guy?”

At this point, I did what any reasonable person would do. I stuttered that I had to get to the library and ran away. The dude called something after me, but I didn’t understand what he said.

I can’t believe Ashley’s a goon. How did she figure out who I am? Maybe she doesn’t really know. And that guy, her boyfriend I guess, sure didn’t seem like the goon type. His hair was fucking bleached and styled, for christsake.

Fuck, this isn’t getting my Econ final written. I’m going to lay low for a bit and try to get this shit done.

 

Posted by Duke Chocula at 4:18pm.

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4.22.05 I saw Ashley again!

I was downstairs eating lunch while trying to finish going over the last Biochem Lab for the semester when I looked up and saw Ashley standing three feet away, scanning the caf for a seat. I was taking a bite of pepperoni pizza, and I didn’t know what to do. Should I offer her the seat next to me? Should I say hi? Should I look away before she caught me staring at her? I wished I was wearing a better pair of Dockers than this pair that has a mustard stain by the crotch, but it’s not like she could really see my pants anyway. So I stared at her, pizza half hanging out my mouth, and she LOOKED RIGHT AT ME. Oh god, I thought I was going to die! But then, she smiled at me. She smiled! She didn’t say, “Ew, what are you looking at, dork?” Nope, she beamed a big beautiful smile at me then walked away and got a seat towards the back of the caf with some other girls. I don’t know if she knows we’re in Biochem 153A together or not, maybe she recognized me or recognized the textbook and figured she might know me or maybe she is just nice, either way, I love her now more than ever. I still have her quiz from the beginning of the quarter in my pocket. She only got a C+, and I really should have offered to tutor her, but then she might have suspected that I have her quiz and that is why the TA couldn’t find it. I think he ended up giving her an A, so really, it was mutually beneficial for me to keep it when I found it stuck to the back of my quiz (A-, if only I hadn’t spaced on the atomic weight of oxygen: -218.4).

I think her quiz has been good luck. You know, having something in her handwriting that I can stroke in my pocket any time I get bored or upset.

I know the goons think I should just get up the balls to ask her out, but I don’t know. I always seem to be doing something stupid every time she sees me, like tying my shoe or sitting there with half a slice of pizza hanging out my face.

And let’s not forget the year is ending so soon. L

 

Posted by Duke Chocula at 1:47pm.

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4.18.05 SA is #1

It came today! My SA is #1 foam hand! This is so kicking rad! Now I can hang it on my wall by my Family Guy rasterbation and take it to the GoonCon in July. I’ll be totally pimpin SA style. I now own: 3 SA t-shirts, an SA hoodie, an English 101 pin, an SA keychain, an SA ballcap, and my foam hand. I’ll be the dorkiest goon at the ball. I do wish some of the goons around here were planning on going so we could carpool and share a room, but most of them say New Orleans is too far away. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. My parents never let me attend one before, but I told them it’s a Linux Convention. I guess I didn’t have to lie since I am technically an adult now, but I didn’t want to hear my mother worrying over whether it’s safe to meet people from the internet, and I definitely don’t want another lecture from my dad about how the Something Awful Forums are a waste of my time and how I should have more real friends and get away from my computer more often, blah blah. The goons are real friends. I guess I could have tried to make some new friends here at Bowling Green, but I’m really busy with my 18 hours of courses. It’s too late now anyway. Finals are coming up with the quickness. I better get back to work.

 

Posted by Duke Chocula at 4:22pm.

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4.07.05 Welcome to the New Blog!

I have officially given up my crappy geocities page and moved into the blogosphere. I might move some of the old content over here, but maybe not, there wasn’t much worthwhile there.

Nothing much recently. College is fine. We’re getting close to the end of Spring Quarter. I still don’t know my way around Bowling Green, but I don’t really need to. Everything I need is on campus or Internet.

I still haven’t asked out Ashley. I know, I know. I have that huge e/n thread about it, and everyone is telling me to quit being a pussy and ask her out. I know. The worst that can happen is she says no and then I have to move on, but I don’t know that now is the right time. It’s only a month before school’s out. I don’t think I want to start a relationship that has to turn long distance in a few weeks.

On a happier note, I did reserve a hotel room for GoonCon. If anyone wants to share, let me know, we could easily fit four people in one room.

I also posted my aim again in the latest “post your info” thread, but no one has messaged me yet. L You can find it there or in my profile (blogger or SA) or here: dukechocula86

That is all for now.

 

Posted by Duke Chocula at 3:37pm.

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