We Have Not Been Silent. Will You Listen?

ALL social justice problems are deeply interrelated and intertwined. You cannot liberate one group of people without liberating ALL people. And you cannot begin to understand the various forms of oppression all of us endure until you pick somewhere and get started, not by discussing “their problems” among “yourselves,” but by listening to what other people have to say about their own experiences.

Underneath, above, and around all oppression lie:
Capitalism: “profit” is obtained by paying people LESS THAN what their work earns–whoever started with more money can get even more by paying people less than what their labor brings back (and significantly less than they need to live).
Imperialism: this is ours now–you will be murdered, assimilated, and/or enslaved.
White Supremacy: white people sure are the best, most smart, most beautiful, accomplished people who ever existed! Just look at any (white) history book and everywhere in white culture for evidence of this “fact.”
Patriarchy: Men hold the power and women are largely excluded from power. Culture is male. Women are produced and taught to produce themselves for male consumption. Women do most of the labor for little to no pay, both inside the “home” and out.
Heteronormativity: humans, by birth, fall into two distinct genders (male & female) that compliment each other and carry a host of inherent traits. And therefore, only heterosexual relationships make any sense or are “natural,” and any other experience or expression of sex, gender, or sexual orientation is DEVIANT and should be punished and/or “corrected.”

If you spend any time at all actually listening to people talk about their experiences and their oppression, you too will see the underlying structure of all oppression and how it is interrelated and intertwined.

Recommended Reading (I have attached PDFs to make it easy!):

“Coalition Politics: Turning the Century” by Bernice Johnson Reagon.
Coalition Politics -Bernice Johnson Reagon

An argument that you MUST fight all forms of oppression at once, addressed to people who could loosely be addressed as follows:

“You must believe that believing in human beings in balance with the environment and the universe is a good thing. You must believe–and I’m being biased and bigoted here again–that having a society that doesn’t solve everything with guns is a good thing. You must believe that when they sell bread to Russia and then go to El Salvador and say that the biggest problems in El Salvador is Russia, that they’re pulling your leg. And you must not let them pull your leg. There are some people who have a problem with people killing people, and people robbing people, and people raping people, and people exploiting people, and people not giving people jobs because of the way they look and because of the way they’re born. Some of you are in here trying to change all of that right now. The thing that must survive you is not just the record of your practice, but the principles that are the basis of your practice.”

“How to Tame a Wild Tongue” by Gloria Evangelina Anzaldúa.
How to Tame a Wild Tongue-Gloria Anzaldua

An exploration of the many traditions of silences that Anzaldúa and others face.

“I remember being caught speaking Spanish at recess–that was good for three licks on the knuckles with a sharp ruler. I remember being sent to the corner of the classroom for ‘talking back’ to the Anglo teacher when all I was trying to do was tell her how to pronounce my name. ‘If you want to be American, speak “American.” If you don’t like it, go back to Mexico where you belong.”

It’s amazing how often we’re told to LEAVE or GO BACK TO places when we don’t like being treated poorly by others! As if there’s some amazing utopia available to all where we could flee at any time and be welcomed with open arms! Ah, fantasies!

If you think the practices mentioned above aren’t common today, in 2017, you are the one living in a fantasy.




“The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action” by Audre Lorde
The Transformation of Silence…Audre Lorde

Lorde has given me strength to more forcibly and audibly speak the truths I know.

“In becoming forcibly and essentially aware of my mortality, and of what I wished and wanted for my life, however short it might be, priorities and omissions became strongly etched in a merciless light, and what I most regretted were my silences. Of what had I ever been afraid? To question or to speak as I believed could have meant pain, or death. But we all hurt in so many different ways, all the time, and pain will either change or end. Death, on the other hand, in the final silence. And that might be coming quickly, now, without regard for whether I had ever spoken what needed to be said, or had only betrayed myself into small silences, while I planned someday to speak, or waited for someone else’s words. And I began to recognize a source of power within myself that comes from the knowledge that while it is most desirable not to be afraid, learning to put fear into a perspective gave me great strength.”

“No Name Woman” by Maxine Hong Kingston
No Name Woman- Maxine Hong Kingston

Who is told to be silent about what, why, and how? What are our differences that we can use creatively, with joy? What are our similarities that we must acknowledge?

“‘You must not tell anyone,’ my mother said, ‘what I am about to tell you. In China your father had a sister who killed herself. She jumped into the family well. We say that your father has all brothers because it is as if she had never been born.'”


“Language and Literature from a Pueblo Indian Perspective” by Leslie Marmon Silko

Language and Literature from a Pueblo Indian Perspective – Leslie Marmon Silko

What “values” do you take for granted? What have you been taught to believe is “natural” or “right” or “better” that is really only one way of being in the world, one method, with it’s drawbacks as well as benefits, that have been hidden from you, obscured? What do you judge harshly without realizing you are not “objective,” but a member of certain classes and cultures of people with prejudices and rules?

“Where I come from, the words that are most highly valued are those which are spoken from the heart, unpremeditated and unrehearsed. Among the Pueblo people, a written speech or statement is highly suspect because the true feelings of the speaker remain hidden as he reads words that are detached from the occasion and the audience. I have intentionally not written a formal paper to read to this session because of this and because I want you to hear and to experience English in a nontraditional structure, a structure that follows patterns from the oral tradition.”

The Woman Job: a chapter from Joanna Russ

For all Women and Allies:
A vital chapter from one of the most important books most people are likely to never read, since What Are We Fighting For? by Joanna Russ is currently out of print, a serious problem I am trying to rectify by contacting publishers.

This chapter, “Why We Women, Sloppy Creatures that We Are, Can Never Find Anything in Our Pocketbooks,” is on The Woman Job and contains facts, figures, and deep analysis drawn from many sources. Do you think much has changed, here or globally, since the 70s & 80s? Well, read it and find out.

I’ll tell you this. When my male partner started really trying to strive for housework parity by taking on ALL housework for awhile, it only took a few days for him declare, “It’s like it’s never DONE! The chores just go on forever!” And I laughed and laughed and laughed. Not meanly, not AT him, but I laughed and laughed and laughed. He’d had NO IDEA about the nature of housework!

I’ve scanned it into a PDF so that people everywhere can better understand the nature of “Women’s Work” and the oppression of women. Enjoy!

Joanna Russ The Woman Job

I’m Teaching at The Loft this Fall

I’m teaching this half-day class at The Loft on October 28th for anyone interested in dark/weird/horror fiction. I personally engage in darkness to find the light, but the course takes a broad view of what horror is, what it’s for, and how it can be done.

More Information at The Loft website.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Date: 10/28/17

Location: Open Book-Loft Classroom

Day of the Week: Saturday

Time: 1:00 – 5:00 pm

Ages: Adult

Class Level: Open to All Levels

Genre: Fiction

• Regular: $70.00
• Member: $63.00
• Low-Income: $49.00

Dark fiction, weird fiction, horror: whatever you call it, how do you write it? What are the elements of an excellent horror story? This class will cover horror basics and provide the groundwork for you to delve into horrifying stories only you could write, that editors will want to publish. Whether you’re a beginner or published writer, this class will help focus your intentions and skills to craft highly original dark fiction.

Through hands on exercises, we’ll cover established sub-genres or modes of dark fiction, how to subvert expectations, and how to establish mood (one of the most important aspects of dark fiction). We’ll also explore what to avoid and why, and how to use standard elements in a fresh and exciting way.

An informational packet will be provided with additional information you can consider at your leisure. Bring your charged laptop or pen and paper. If you have a draft of a horror story, bring a paper copy, and I will provide written feedback on the opening section. Bring a bag lunch; we’ll eat while we write and break as needed. Genre and literary horror writers of all levels welcome.

Shadows & Tall Trees 7 Reviews, Interviews, & Updates

I am trying to be better about website upkeeping. (I am bad at it.)

There’s a new review up at This Is Horror. I’ll admit to being quite pleased with what was said about “The Triplets.”

Tried to reblog V.H. Leslie’s post with pertinent links, but failed. Here’s a pasted excerpt:

With stories from Malcolm Devlin, Brian Evenson, Rebecca Kuder, V.H. Leslie, Robert Levy, Laura Mauro, Manish Melwani, Alison Moore, Harmony Neal, Rosalie Parker, M. Rickert, Nicholas Royle, Robert Shearman, Christopher Slatsky, Simon Strantzas, Steve Rasnic Tem, Michael Wehunt, Charles Wilkinson, Conrad Williams and cover artwork by Yaroslav Gerzhedovich (paperback edition) and Vince Haig (hardback edition) Shadows and Tall Trees 7 will mark the welcome return of this journal.

Award-winning writer Angela Slatter, has been kind enough to interview us all about our stories and the motivations behind them, starting Rosalie Parker, Michael Wehunt, Malcolm Devlin and Manish Melwani. And inimitable reviewer, Dew Lewis has already begun his Real-Time Review of the journal which can be read here.

Don’t forget to pick up a copy from Undertow Books.

To the 82-year-old Witch I Waited on Last Night

Welcome! Welcome! I hope you made it to my website! To be a witch is a glorious thing! To be a witch is to strive for wisdom and truth, to see through the lies that surround us, especially the lies about us. I was thrilled to spend a little time with you last evening. I hope you find something here you enjoy. I hope you live to be 100+ with birds in your wild, beautiful hair. I will keep you in my heart.


Harmony Fixes the Wonder Woman Script—SPOILERS!

Harmony Fixes the Wonder Woman Script—SPOILERS!

The featured image is by Castaguer93, a person who can envision a female fighter who wears actual armor (if not a helmet) and doesn’t make sure to pose provocatively while fighting. You might be surprised by how hard it is to find such an image. I wasn’t.

I will say there were things about the film I did appreciate. I spent the first 15 minutes or so weeping because you never get to see a screen full of women doing things and talking about things that aren’t men or childrearing or chores. A mighty fighter woman with wrinkles! Be still my heart and soul!

Too bad there were so many problems even within that setting, and that it lasted not nearly long enough before MEN took over the story line, and Diana, in all of her goodness, of course, allowed them to dominate most of the rest of the film.


So here are a few fixes I would have made, if DC had consulted me.


Don’t Make The Amazonians Exist From a Male Imagination:

There is actual racial diversity on the island, NOT tokenism with white women in charge.

The women don’t all shave and wear makeup, though some could. It seems more likely that most would not bother at all or see any benefit to shaving off useful hair or applying gunk to their faces that could run into their eyes during training/battle.

The warriors wear protective gear, not exposing lots of skin, which they simply would not do. It’s so preposterous. I understand that they could have been even more naked from a male perspective, but just give me a fucking break already.

The women can and do have sexual and romantic relationships with each other. While the movie makes it clear men aren’t necessary or even desirable for sexual pleasure, it does so in a way that implies the alternative is masturbation, which is dumb.


Diana in “The Real World”:

The first time dude tries to physically prevent her from doing what she wants, she breaks his fucking wrist. She does not allow him to keep limiting her physical movements, waiting for him to never really explain WHY he believes he has the right to physically limit her movement, then acquiescing to his demands.

She does not develop a romantic relationship with dude. That is dumb, unnecessary, and plays into all the aspects of patriarchy this film pretends to question, but actually reinforces and reproduces.

His friends are either not creepy toward Diana (what a limited male imagination to say most men are going to hit on Diana and make her uncomfortable), OR, if they must be creepy losers, then she is not asked to forgive and overlook their misogyny because they have their own crosses to bear (Ignore him! He doesn’t mean any harm). Preposterous. I’m sick of being told it’s my womanly duty to care about the trials and tribulations of men and forgive them for their misogyny because they have to deal with the problems Toxic Masculinity bring to them.

The film reinforces our dominant narrative that women just have to understand that most men are creeps and don’t have time to worry about not being creeps because they have to deal with racism or PSTD or whatever themselves. It’s our womanly duty to see past all their transgressions and feel sorry for them and try to help and support them even as they treat us like shit. Interestingly enough, the men are not asked NOT to be creeps… No, Diana must use her wit and charm to show them up (as a means of politely trying to get them to stop hitting on her) and then feel sorry for them. FUCK THAT.

In a better version of the script, the stupid man doesn’t get to play the martyr. I’m sure other people also reasoned out that if Diana hadn’t allowed him to keep physically limiting her, that she would have killed the super evil caricature German before he could have ordered that plane to leave with all that gas… Instead, the movie sets up a bullshit “they’re both right and wrong” pattern in order to justify the dumb love story, his controlling behavior, and then a super immature overall message, given to Diana BY a man and reinforced by her supposed love for a man who repeatedly tells her she’s too distracting and can’t do what she wants to do because he knows better.

Having her (once) say he doesn’t get to tell her what to do DOES NOT eradicate all the times when she in fact allows him to do just that. That’s a major problem. The bombshell can SAY a man can’t tell her what to do, if she actually lets him do exactly that MOST of the time. Enough already!

Aries raised many good points while he tried to recruit Diana, but the writers apparently couldn’t come up with any nuance or counterarguments that weren’t insipid and first uttered by the male character. The power of LOVE! Meaning what, exactly? No one knows. No one needs to know. What could be more revolutionary than a half-naked, shaved, plucked, heavily made up woman who can kick serious ass but also (blindly, it seems, based on finally having a penis inside of her) believes in LOVE, as is her feminine duty?

Well, asking more women for their thoughts might have helped… Plenty of us are able to envision truly revolutionary female characters and roles that aren’t all about exciting the male fantasy…


Broader Considerations:

Either all the fucking gods are supermodels or none are. The Amazonians all have to be 12s on a scale of 1-10, but Aries can be an average looking dude? I don’t think so. That is one of many things that points to Wonder Woman springing from a male imagination for the gratification of male fantasies while almost barely succeeding occasionally in moving away from gender roles and myths.

There can be an evil genius female character, but only if she too was a 12 on a 1-10 scale, then made ugly by her evilness. Just fuck off already.

Why was this script written by three men? I mean, they claim many writers in fact worked on it, while the three men get the main credit. You can do better than that, DC! Maybe Wonder Woman (and other scripts) should be written by women? Has that EVER crossed your minds?

So yeah, woo hoo, hooray, on a first glance, parts of the movie are revolutionary and better than what comes before, but really, when you get down to it, most of it is the same fucking bullshit crammed down our throats only gussied up a bit more to pretend at female liberation while continuing to keep women everywhere in their places (subservient to men and beholden to their “love” and penises and versions of reality they claim are fact and immutable). Thanks but no thanks.

These Are A Few of My Favorite Things


favorite things close upToday is the release date for Shadows & Tall Trees Vol. 7, where you can find my latest story, “The Triplets.” My copies arrived Saturday. When my partner went to read the soft cover version, a spider watched him from the ceiling, threatening to drop on him at any second. He wondered if the spider hadn’t been complimentary with the issues…

I couldn’t be more thrilled to be included in this amazing anthology with so many delightfully horrifying writers. Michael Kelly is the best editor anyone could ever hope to work with and an all-around phenomenal human being. I hope you’ll grab a copy while they last. Just look at those beautiful covers!

The Trial of Black Panther

I am super excited to have my novella “The Trial of Black Panther” up at The Fantasist. “The Trial of Black Panther” is the final story from my collection of linked stories: Real Life Superheroes: Crisis on Finite Earth. In it are many superheroes from many walks of life and backgrounds.
Before the whole world turned upside down, I was trying to write stories I’d want to read, stories with protagonists readers could identify with who weren’t the usual line up of a bunch of middle-class/rich, cis white dudes and white women OR a bunch of stereotypical characters of color or LGBTQ characters with the usual story-lines and issues mainstream publishing is willing to put in print for the edification of white cis people everywhere.
“The Trial of Black Panther” is particularly important to me because it’s in conversation with “The Trial of Thomas Builds-the-Fire” from Sherman Alexie which is in conversation with “The Trial” by Franz Kafka. It explores issues of our current police state and asks what each of us is personally obligated to do in times of crisis and what prevents us from doing the things we should do.

Read it here: http://thefantasistmag.com/the-trial-of-black-panther/

The Internet Makes You Stupid, but I Am Protected

4.30.05 This is the End

I sat in my car outside Lowtax’s, watching his white double door flanked by yellow siding, trying to keep my eyes from closing. After four hours of waiting, I really needed to pee. There was a QuikTrip at the corner, but I was afraid I’d miss Lowtax. Luckily, I couldn’t feel hungry while I needed to pee. It was lunchtime, and a few people walked by devouring fast food. Needing to pee helped me stay awake, but I worried that in my diminished capacity, I might have an accident. I dug around in the backseat and found a mostly empty Mountain Dew bottle, so I put my Chinese dragon sunblocker in the windshield then carefully rolled t-shirts into the windows, so I could still see Lowtax’s front door out of a crack in the driver’s side. I unzipped, got the bottle ready, and let go. It was the best feeling in the world for about 3 seconds until I realized the bottle was fast reaching capacity and my stream was not diminishing. I didn’t have much time to decide anything, so I got on my knees and leaned over to the passenger side floor mat.

I hadn’t slept in over twenty four hours. My coordination was off. The bottle slipped, and I ended up with piss all over the gear shift and a little on the front of my pants, not to mention the floor on the passenger’s side. All the while, I was glancing over my shoulder at Lowtax’s door. I was about to look for napkins when I saw Lowtax.

I didn’t think: I just acted. I zipped up, wiped my hands on my shirt (I know, I know, but I hadn’t slept in over a day, I drove 13 hours, and this was my one shot at getting back in the forums), grabbed my foam hand, and jumped out of the car.

My shirt caught on the seatbelt clip, and I slammed myself in the door. I jerked my shirt free, tearing the corner, and ran across the street where Lowtax was strolling in the direction of the QuikTrip. I caught up and got in front of him. He’s a lot shorter than I thought, skinnier too. He backed up, like I was going to ask him for spare change.

Hunched over and panting, dizzy from taking off running after sitting still, full of caffeine, I whispered, “Lowtax, I’m Duke Chocula.” He started to walk around me. I stood up straight. “Wait, Lowtax, really, I’m Duke Chocula. I came all the way from Ohio to talk to you about my permaban. I love the forums. The goons are my people, my community, this is my life.” I waved my foam hand for emphasis, “Please reconsider. I’m begging you, as one goon to another.”

We stared at each other, me with pleading in my eyes, and Lowtax, I don’t know what he was thinking. He looked me up and down a few times. “Why do you smell like piss?”

We looked down at the same time. My Dockers had quarter-sized dark spots on them, worse than I thought. My shirt had wet handprints on the sides. I shoved my hand in my pocket to feel Ashley’s quiz for moral support, but instead found a soaked and disintegrating mess. I panicked. “Lowtax, look, just hear me out.”

He glared at me. “No, you look. I don’t know who you are or how it is you know where I live, and I don’t want to know. You’re creeping me out. Now get back in your car or tricycle or wheelbarrow or what-the-fuck-ever, and take your ass the hell away from me. If I ever see you near me or my family again, I’m calling the cops.” He walked away.

I’m man enough to admit I started crying.

I stood on that sidewalk, pimped out in my SA gear, covered in piss, and I cried. When a hot chick with a mohawk asked if I needed help, I ignored her. I limped back to my car, climbed in the backseat, and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up to the sound of rain and the smell of dried piss, not immediately remembering where I was. My SA is #1 foam hand was in pieces, which really sucks, since I have no way to get another one. I climbed into the front seat from the back and pulled the t-shirts out of the windows, getting splashed with rain in the process. I drove straight out of Missouri, not stopping until I hit Illinois, which is where I am now, at a McDonald’s with wifi (who knew?). I’m in a corner, trying not to notice the people staring at me, eating a #3, and telling you, blog, my e/n story.

Posted by Duke Chocula at 10:36pm

0 comments so far…



4.30.05 Wish Me Luck

I drove all night, but I’m finally here, at a Borders with wifi, having a double espresso before I head over to Lowtax’s house with the gear I was saving for GoonCon. I washed up as best I could in the bathroom and changed into my natural color SA shirt with the logo on the front and “The Internet Makes You Stupid” on the back, and I put on my SA ballcap, which is good cuz it hides the greasy state of my hair. My English 101 pin is in the bill for an added touch. I also have my SA is #1 foam hand. I want him to see how dedicated I am to the community. He’s gotta let me back now. All the Red Bull and coffee and espresso are making me a little twitchy, but I gotta talk to Lowtax.

Posted by Duke Chocula at 9:11 am

0 comments so far…



4.29.05 Do You Have Stairs In Your House?

I am no longer protected. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. Look at this fucking shit I got this morning!

“Duke Chocula,

Fuck you, rapist. Don’t ever come back.




Posted by Duke Chocula at 8:26 am.

0 comments so far…



4.28.05 Deaf Ears

I can’t believe this is happening. I went into IRC to plead my case with my fellow goons, but this is the reception I got:

<DukeChocula> Hey Guys, I need your help.

<goatse4lyfe> Hey look, it’s the rapist.

<happycat> Hay Guys, Raping Women is COOL. AMIRITE?

<DukeChocula> I didn’t write that post! That’s what I want to talk about.

<PhinPhin> Huh? What’s going on?

<happycat> http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=204806832#post204806832

<BlasterCop> DukeChocula: You’re a fag, get out.

<DukeChocula> I’m telling you guys, I didn’t write that post. I was in the library on campus and this girl I like emailed me and I went to meet her and she didn’t show and I came back and was banned.

<PhinPhin> dude, you’re fucking sick

<freebird> He could be telling the truth. I know a goon who watches public computers and when he sees someone logged into SA who leaves, he’ll post ban-mes.

*** happycat changed the topic to: DukeChocula LOVES RAPING WOMEN

<DukeChocula> freebird: ty, I think something like that happened to me. If people would pm Lowtax saying they know I wouldn’t do that, I could clear all this up.

*** fuckyourmom [isotope@69A884.8B4117D0.A14AC03E.IP] has quit [Ping timeout]

*** xanadu [xanadu@2E2721E.8X34467D0.J28DC03E.IP] has joined #sa

<captainunderpants> Who the fuck is DukeChocula? I’ve never seen you before.

<goatse4lyfe> Some rapist fag.

<AlexTrebeck> We should totally kick his ass.

* munster slaps DukeChocula in his bitch head.

<JuvenileWhiskey> I’m down, where is the little rapist?

<AlexTrebeck> Bowling Green, Ohio

<JuvenileWhiskey> That’s only a few hours from me. Who else is in?

<threedollerbill> i’m in

<DukeChocula> Seriously guys, I don’t know what happened. I would never write that.

<CuriousBill> me too

<happycat> Seriously shut the fuck up and get out of here.

*happycat kicks DukeChocula


WTF? No one but freebird stood up for me at all.

DarthChrist emailed me and said he didn’t want to say anything in IRC, but I should just register a new account with a different email addy and credit card and handle and avatar and not let anyone know it’s me. But that’s a whole new problem. No one could ever know it was me, so I’d lose all my old friends. Then I’ll just be another stupid newbie and no one will care what I say. I’ll have to spend months trying to meet people again. I mean, I can’t imagine trying to make friends with old friends as somebody new.

No, I gotta talk to Lowtax and get my name cleared. I’ll take 3 months probation if I have to. So long as I can eventually return as Duke Chocula, the guy who isn’t a rapist, I’ll be happy.

I haven’t done any studying yet, and I missed the last Chem lab, which is really going to hurt my grade, but there was no way I could pay attention in lab with this shit going on. I’ve been reading the forums today, accountless, and it makes me feel hollow inside. Every time I want to post a reply or see the YOU HAVE NOT REGISTERED AN ACCOUNT YET banner, I just… it feels awful.

I accidentally tore Ashley’s quiz today while in IRC. I was stroking it, and before I realized what I was doing, I‘d torn a corner off. I taped it back together and it should hold ok.


Posted by Duke Chocula at 8:11 pm

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4.28.05 It Wasn’t Me!

I got an email back from Ozma. She said, “I’ve seen the misogynistic shit you write in GBS. Fuck you rapist, get out.”

I’ll admit I’ve made a few jokes that were probably in poor taste, but so have other goons. I never meant anything by them. Jesus.

I could just pay the tenbux to reinstate my account, but this is exactly the problem. I don’t want people thinking I’m a rapist. I want them to know I didn’t write that post. What will Ashley think? I’m going to email Lowtax.

“Dear Lowtax,

My name is Duke Chocula. I am a goon registered January 12, 2002. During my 3+ years on the forums, I have only gotten 6 hours of probation once, which I deserved for posting a single emoticon reply, which is explicitly against the rules (despite which, people seem to do it quite often). Today Ozma banned me for posting a rape fantasy, but I was away from the computer when this post was supposedly made by me, so please hear me out!

Here’s what happened: I was working on a research paper at the library when I got an email from this girl I like telling me to meet her in front of the union at 5 because she wanted to talk. Before today, I didn’t even know she knew my name. I’d run into her an hour before on my way to the library, and she asked me if I had stairs in my house. I was so nervous I ran off like a loser. So when I got the email, I was excited and nervous as hell.

It’s finals time, and I didn’t want to lose my computer, so I figured I’d just leave my shit sitting there and it’d be safe for ten to twenty minutes. Big fucking mistake. After twenty minutes waiting at the union, it was obvious she wasn’t going to show. I headed back inside, fuming, fully prepared to take a break and write an e/n thread about how much girls suck and how they play mind games etc, to purge the incident from my system. I got to my computer, and it looked like how I left it, until I pull up the GBS thread I started about finals sucking, only to see that it’d been gassed. I scrolled through and saw a new post from myself that says, “Here’s something I just found that helps me get a little release during finals” and a very vivid description on how to rape a girl. I was like, what the fuck? I looked around the library, but everyone was doing normal library stuff, and I have no idea who did this.

I would never write a post like that. Rape is disgusting and not funny at all. I don’t know who did this or why they did it, but it wasn’t me, Lowtax!

Can I please just get probation for account sharing even though I didn’t intentionally share my account? I love the forums, all my friends are here, and I don’t want people to think that I am some sort of slimy rapist.

I throw myself on your mercy,

Duke Chocula”


God, I hope he emails me back soon.


Posted by Duke Chocula at 6:52pm.

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4.28.05 I’ve Been Banned?!

Ozma banned me! Like hell I’d post this:

“Here’s something I just found that helps me get a little release during finals:

You know that girl you like who won’t give you the time of day and has some stupid ass jock boyfriend? Fuck her! Follow her home after class. Sneak into her dorm behind her, do this during the day so people won’t be as likely to notice your presence, then walk right into her room, unless she’s locked the door behind her. If she’s locked it, just knock, she’ll answer. Once in the room, mace her and have some balled up socks ready so no one hears her scream. Shove the socks in her mouth and duct tape them in place. She’ll be so shocked it will be easy to throw her on the bed for some good old-fashioned surprise sex. After you’re done, wipe your dick on her pillow and piss on her floor. She’ll be so embarrassed she won’t tell anyone, and you are now ready to get back to work on your finals.”


Posted by Duke Chocula at 5:43pm.

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4.28.05 Oh No!!!!!!!!!!

On my way to the library, I saw Ashley. She was standing less than ten feet away in front of Olscamp Hall drinking a soda. I stopped for a minute, trying to decide whether I should approach her, then she approached me! She walked up, took a long drink from her straw, then said,

“Peter, right? We’re in Chemlab together?”

“Um, yeah, hi.”

“Do you have stairs in your house?”

Normally I’d be excited to find out a girl is a goon, but my brain flipped to all the e/n threads I’d written about her. I couldn’t say anything. Then this dude walks up and puts his arm around her like he owns her. He’s all super smooth,

“Hey baby, who’s this guy?”

“This is Peter.”

“Oh, this guy?”

At this point, I did what any reasonable person would do. I stuttered that I had to get to the library and ran away. The dude called something after me, but I didn’t understand what he said.

I can’t believe Ashley’s a goon. How did she figure out who I am? Maybe she doesn’t really know. And that guy, her boyfriend I guess, sure didn’t seem like the goon type. His hair was fucking bleached and styled, for christsake.

Fuck, this isn’t getting my Econ final written. I’m going to lay low for a bit and try to get this shit done.


Posted by Duke Chocula at 4:18pm.

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4.22.05 I saw Ashley again!

I was downstairs eating lunch while trying to finish going over the last Biochem Lab for the semester when I looked up and saw Ashley standing three feet away, scanning the caf for a seat. I was taking a bite of pepperoni pizza, and I didn’t know what to do. Should I offer her the seat next to me? Should I say hi? Should I look away before she caught me staring at her? I wished I was wearing a better pair of Dockers than this pair that has a mustard stain by the crotch, but it’s not like she could really see my pants anyway. So I stared at her, pizza half hanging out my mouth, and she LOOKED RIGHT AT ME. Oh god, I thought I was going to die! But then, she smiled at me. She smiled! She didn’t say, “Ew, what are you looking at, dork?” Nope, she beamed a big beautiful smile at me then walked away and got a seat towards the back of the caf with some other girls. I don’t know if she knows we’re in Biochem 153A together or not, maybe she recognized me or recognized the textbook and figured she might know me or maybe she is just nice, either way, I love her now more than ever. I still have her quiz from the beginning of the quarter in my pocket. She only got a C+, and I really should have offered to tutor her, but then she might have suspected that I have her quiz and that is why the TA couldn’t find it. I think he ended up giving her an A, so really, it was mutually beneficial for me to keep it when I found it stuck to the back of my quiz (A-, if only I hadn’t spaced on the atomic weight of oxygen: -218.4).

I think her quiz has been good luck. You know, having something in her handwriting that I can stroke in my pocket any time I get bored or upset.

I know the goons think I should just get up the balls to ask her out, but I don’t know. I always seem to be doing something stupid every time she sees me, like tying my shoe or sitting there with half a slice of pizza hanging out my face.

And let’s not forget the year is ending so soon. L


Posted by Duke Chocula at 1:47pm.

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4.18.05 SA is #1

It came today! My SA is #1 foam hand! This is so kicking rad! Now I can hang it on my wall by my Family Guy rasterbation and take it to the GoonCon in July. I’ll be totally pimpin SA style. I now own: 3 SA t-shirts, an SA hoodie, an English 101 pin, an SA keychain, an SA ballcap, and my foam hand. I’ll be the dorkiest goon at the ball. I do wish some of the goons around here were planning on going so we could carpool and share a room, but most of them say New Orleans is too far away. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. My parents never let me attend one before, but I told them it’s a Linux Convention. I guess I didn’t have to lie since I am technically an adult now, but I didn’t want to hear my mother worrying over whether it’s safe to meet people from the internet, and I definitely don’t want another lecture from my dad about how the Something Awful Forums are a waste of my time and how I should have more real friends and get away from my computer more often, blah blah. The goons are real friends. I guess I could have tried to make some new friends here at Bowling Green, but I’m really busy with my 18 hours of courses. It’s too late now anyway. Finals are coming up with the quickness. I better get back to work.


Posted by Duke Chocula at 4:22pm.

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4.07.05 Welcome to the New Blog!

I have officially given up my crappy geocities page and moved into the blogosphere. I might move some of the old content over here, but maybe not, there wasn’t much worthwhile there.

Nothing much recently. College is fine. We’re getting close to the end of Spring Quarter. I still don’t know my way around Bowling Green, but I don’t really need to. Everything I need is on campus or Internet.

I still haven’t asked out Ashley. I know, I know. I have that huge e/n thread about it, and everyone is telling me to quit being a pussy and ask her out. I know. The worst that can happen is she says no and then I have to move on, but I don’t know that now is the right time. It’s only a month before school’s out. I don’t think I want to start a relationship that has to turn long distance in a few weeks.

On a happier note, I did reserve a hotel room for GoonCon. If anyone wants to share, let me know, we could easily fit four people in one room.

I also posted my aim again in the latest “post your info” thread, but no one has messaged me yet. L You can find it there or in my profile (blogger or SA) or here: dukechocula86

That is all for now.


Posted by Duke Chocula at 3:37pm.

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